I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
