just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
false alarm. still invincible.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
Randomize
