I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
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