my phone needs a breathalizer
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I want to be your penis for a week.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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