I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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