I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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