You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
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