my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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