I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
