somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Randomize
