Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
