I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We have started to decorate penises.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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