If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
