life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Umm I'm too high to move.
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I wear drunk well.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
