Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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