I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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