I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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