We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
