I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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