I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
