I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
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