Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
3 2 1 whiskey
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
