im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
