she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
