Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
