Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
