And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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