I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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