The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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