Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
