I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
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