I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
