Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Randomize
