I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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