I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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