I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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