Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Randomize
