Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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