Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
