Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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