Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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