see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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