I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
farters have to be the big spoon...
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
