I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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