He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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