Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
