why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
It was confusing and full of hummus
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
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