Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Randomize
