the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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