im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
