Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
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