don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
