I wanna bring you to show and tell
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
