yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
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