I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
