dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize