Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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