Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
