two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
