Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Randomize
