Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Randomize
