I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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