remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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