Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
