Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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