the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize