wanna go halves on a baby?
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
